Two gay whales, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, one of them spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his companion:
"That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, he says, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
The companion whale agrees to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The vengeful whale is furious and said to his companion, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the companion whale stops swimming, looked at the furious whale and said,
"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

A woman carried a very limp duck in to a veterinarian's office. She laid her pet on the table, and the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and reported, "I'm so sorry, but Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moment later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!", she cried,"$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."

HOW MANY ANIMALS CAN U FIT INTO A PAIR OF TIGHTS?
2 CALVES
1 BEAVER
1 ASS
COUNTLESS HARES
OCCASIONAL COCK
AND A DEAD FISH NO ONE CAN FIND

Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman. Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you aren't worth shit!"

A new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies, "they just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Kind words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said: "I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

A business is looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, work a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
Soon after, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard !!"

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A burglar crept into a huge, luxurious house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it finally rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.!

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On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard ."

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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month. "Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

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This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey," said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

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In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

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Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it; where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

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There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the ‘parts’, but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims: "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse?" Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request? The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully you stupid nag, this is my last chance! ... Bring POSSE!"

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"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.

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A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

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Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

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One sunny day there was a cow milking competition in India as usual. Many competitors from all over the world had come and started milking the cow. One from Japan milked 10 liters, another from the U.S.A. milked 15 Liters, another from U.K. milked 16 liters, and so on..... Last came the friendly Sardarji from India and milked 30 liters and was pronounced the winner. The next summer the same milking competition was held at another Country Same as last year all the competitors were asked to milk, but when it come to our Sardarji , he could milk only 5 liters. He was so depressed and angry. One of the person present there asked him, yar Sardar what happened, you were milking at least 25 liters, how come you could not succeed here. The angry Sardarji said:- HOO YAR THESE BASTARDS GAVE ME A BULL INSTEAD OF A COW.

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A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking" "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

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Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit, and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog, and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit: "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again: "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went a second time: "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish: "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" - and took off like a bat out of hell.

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey. "Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No." "But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.......After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"

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I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross,!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of >tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) "Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery >store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled. "So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny >foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results. "Should I dial 911,?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master,er,er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron. "We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ... Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... tweeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)

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The only cow in a small town in Massachusetts stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Jackman, Maine for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Maine and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Maine?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Maine?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Maine.

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Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't get worms.

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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

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A Texas woodpecker and a North Carolina woodpecker were arguing about which
state had the toughest tree. The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The North Carolina woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Texas woodpecker was in awe. The North Carolina woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in North Carolina that was absolutely unpeckable. The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to North Carolina, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the North Carolina woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the North Carolina tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!!!

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