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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

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This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."

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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
- Cinnamon

- Indubitably

- Innovative

- Preliminary

- Proliferation

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
- British Constitution

- Loquacious

- Transubstantiate

- Passive-aggressive disorder

- Specificity

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

- Nope, no more booze for me.

- Sorry, but you're not really my type.

- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

- You're right; I can't jump over that table.

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It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

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Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the most drunk, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car
and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my partner, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again,
"Listen, guys, I don’t think you understand... Chunks is my dog.

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guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A biker walks into a neighborhood bar. He’s a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are assholes! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar."

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ’The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer then neither will I."

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An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

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A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there.
He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. The bartender says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!"
"Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."
Well, time goes on and the man has several drinks, then asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?"
He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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Bar Room translations

1. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

2. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)

3. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

4. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

5. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

6. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)

7. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

8. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

9. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

10. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 16.)

11. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

12. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
(I'll be leaving before the next round.)

13. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.)

14. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

15. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

16. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)

17. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

18. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

19. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

20. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)

21. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

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A guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila.
The bartender asks, "Five shots, are you celebrating something?"
The guy responds, "Yes, I am celebrating my first blow job."
The bartender congratulates and says,
"When you are done with the five, the sixth shot is on the house."
The guy answers,
"If five can't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf"

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Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.
As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties "
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you".

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The old guy hesitates a minute before replying...."Well yes.. as a matter of fact I screwed a peacock once...and I was wondering if you were my son"

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. the woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "what's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says your not wearing any panties. . . ."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.

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Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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