A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

How Blonde Was She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

A BLONDE wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, so after getting all the necessary tools together, she heads for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

On the first night of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie, and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's lent"
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! 'Who on earth did you lend it to, and for how long?"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!..
And the blonde says...."Helloooooooooooo.... I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you know if a blonde has a blonde boyfriend?
She has a bruise around her bellybutton.
How do you know her boyfriend has blonde hair and blue eyes?
She has a bruise around her bellybutton and a hand print on her hip.

BLONDE COOKBOOK
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten .
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY:
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to his mother in Poland. When the man tells him that it will cost him $300, he exclaims, "I don’t have any money. I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells him, "Come in and close the door."
He does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
He does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
He does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, he takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
He then brings his mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to his lips, he says, "Hello, Mom?"

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waiter goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.
The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
"Shut up...you're next!"

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".

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A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

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Jay and his blonde wife live in Maine.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The blonde goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The blonde goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out
The blonde says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,
the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mike, it's winter in New Hampshire, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

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A blonde was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow morning at 7. Signed, The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Also inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I just cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another."

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Two blondes, Bunny and Maisie, went away for a weekend. They rented a motel room in the mountains. Bunny went to the store, brought back a box of animal crackers, set it down on the dresser and went to take a shower. When she came out of the shower, Maisie was sitting on the bed with the animal crackers spread all over around her.
Bunny said, "Maisie, what the hell are you doing?"
Maisie replied, "I'm looking for the seal."
Bunny said, "Why, does the seal taste better than the rest of the animals?"
"No," Maisie answered, "the box says, 'if the seal is broken do not eat.'"

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock News. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet! "Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. "The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money. "So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money. "The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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Line Painter

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain
employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."

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