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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor replied, "That's not what I said. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
The man replied, "Twelve thirty."

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The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says... "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup so, I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says... "You idiot!" "You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk says... "Of course you can! Look at Him, He's afraid to cough!"

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandi."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first
time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

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A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me crap!"

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80?

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An older  gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad! , what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

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A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, notorious for his use of the vernacular or speaking in terms of the layman, tried to perk up the students a bit.
He asked a woman in the front row, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said.  "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

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 Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day  long.
 No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and  sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear  an  internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
 But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering..............
"Dave, you're a vet..."

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A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit you must quit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." 
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. 
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." 
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. 
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool  sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. 
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. 
The computer prints the following: 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
5.  If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

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A doctor and his girlfriend were having a big argument at breakfast. 
"You aren’t so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. 
By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion."

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A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he’s an idiot!" 
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what’s the girl’s name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What’s the boy’s name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew.

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A woman goes to the doctor and complains that her partner is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns him it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
That night at dinner she does put the pill in his food. 
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor’s office. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!!. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn’t very long before he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I’m sorry. We didn’t realize that the pill was that strong. The Foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." 
"Naah...," says she, "that’s okay. We aren’t going back to Denny’s anyway.

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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???"

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The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!", was the reply..
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.
"Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" he replied again.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache"

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There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot!  You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

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Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you  thought it through properly? It's a very serious operation and once  it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "it looks as if you've just had same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror.  "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!"

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A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of  whistling softly.

The beautiful young woman upon whom he was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and embarrassed him even
further.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was
I tickling  you or something?"

She replied, "No doctor, but were you aware the song you were
whistling was "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'?"

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.   

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." 

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.  While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.  The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.  His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.  No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.  His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.  As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.  The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

 At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

 The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

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A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test too?"

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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.  The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few  minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent  all night?" The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box  labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy for 12 hours."  Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three" The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, "Well, how'd it go?" In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and  blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up." 

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A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,
"You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor." "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see.... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 

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 A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

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A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and he is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."

Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."

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There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time.  As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the  problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The Doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn
"Aha!" mumbled the Doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip,
snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the Doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The Doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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