After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still

nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's get a beer."

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show.
Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
Then we came back to my apartment and he turned into an absolute ANIMAL!
Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"
"Goodness gracious! "Dorothy exclaimed. "So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
"No, no, no," Edna replied, "I'm just telling you to wear an old dress!"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I have no idea."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"She can still drive!"

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming! right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking or my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little anxious."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing a tank top and short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."

WHY GOD MADE MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked. Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE"...........I forgot where I put it!!!"

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three Walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a Huge Penis and smashes all three Walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of Walnuts, three Coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the Coconuts with three swings of his Amazing Member.

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Two elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the Mountain Shadows center, where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door, surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!!"

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

Really, Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company........
So off to the pet shop she went......
She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog......
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her......

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car........
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY"................
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........
AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????
COME ON GUESS??????
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.................................
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh!
Immediately he turned ninety!

Gotta love that fairy!

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Sectional, schmectional," she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes....

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It’s a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what’s your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!"

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my panty hose."

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Gene, age 89, and Lillian, age 78, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Gene suggests they go in.
Gene addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Gene: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Gene: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Gene: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Gene: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Gene: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Gene: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Gene: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Gene says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories that you see here, I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank." The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?" The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly noticed me, so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral. The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression! But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining 5,000?" The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost all my entire life and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "But I'll see what I can do and get back with you." That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up in a couple of days! She's going to let the County bury her!"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:
"Watch that wall!"

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He made an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there was a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away . . .let's see what happens. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response, so he moves to the end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response, so he moves into the dining room about 20 feet away and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response, so he moves on into the kitchen, about 10 feet away from his wife and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" STILL no response, so he walks right up behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She answers, "For the 5th damned time, CHICKEN!"

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty handed?"

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This 92 year old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met this 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away. After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, "You know, we're past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand."
The old lady said, "Well, I guess it wouldn't do any harm just to hold it."
So for the next three weeks, they could be found on a park bench near a lake, she was always holding the man's penis in her hand.
One day the old man didn't show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man...with another woman.
The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man's penis in her hand.
She became very upset and said to the man, "I thought we had something special'. Now I find you with another woman, and she's holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don't have?"
The old man looked up, smiled, and said ...
"Parkinson's."

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."
Mildred turned to her and said, "oh shit, am I driving?"

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding ...and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some assurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots". "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back".

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Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

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Old Pa Jones was getting ready to go into town to apply for Social Security. Ma says, "You
don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?" "Now don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and he leaves for town.
Old Pa returns home a few hours later and reports that he'll be getting the first check in about three weeks.
"So, how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.
"Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest."
"Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?"

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A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph.
He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand.
I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the stern of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .. .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning!"

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At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't Look Down!!!

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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles across the store to the counter, grabs it for support, and says to the sales clerk: "Dddodo yyou sssell dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we sell many models."

She then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ssssellll aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

She says, "Wwwwilllllll yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club". The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool". The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".
The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

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Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear some hot pink underwear before I get on that plane." "Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked. The first replied, "Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna see my butt."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange underwear." "Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear." "What? No underwear?!" the others said in disbelief. Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," the third lady said, "because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first."

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

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