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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. He looked the part: well-worn, slightly dusty hat faded Wranglers and dark brown hands and neck. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well," he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.

Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called boys-r-us

What's the definition of Scotland?
A place where men are men and sheep are nervous

Did you hear about the 2 Irish gays?
Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh

What 3 things do gays like to do the most?
Eat, Drink, and be Mary

In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar

What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
A Heblew

Which is better, being born black or gay?
Black, because you don't have to tell your parents

Why was the gay sergeant fired?
For the way he drilled his troops

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A man asks the pharmacist, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"
Pharmacist replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
He responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

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A man took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to his apartment, he suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, he said, "You put your head between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs."
Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between his legs, he let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I’m so sorry! Let’s try again," he said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
To which he replied, "If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!

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There's this gay guy named Brian who has an obsession with hairy chests. As he's walking down the beach, he notices this huge man with the hairiest chest.
So, he goes up to him and asks what his secret to getting a hairy chest is. He says, "Every night after I take a shower, I rub KY jelly all over my chest."
Elated, Brian runs home to his lover, Peter. "Honey, honey! I have found the secret to getting a hairy chest! All I have to do is rub KY all over my chest after I take a shower!"
"You dip shit," he replies, "if that were true, you would have a ponytail hanging out of your ass!"

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As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon.
His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp.
We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays.
" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

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An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two BMWs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and he must be pretty good at it: His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

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A man walks into a bar and sees a very sexy woman. He tells the bartender to buy her a drink. The bartender warns him that she's a lesbian but the man says he doesn't care. "Okay..." says the bartender.
The lady gets the drink and walks over to him. "Would you like to see my tits" she purrs to him.
"Sure." replies the man. The lady shows him her breasts, then leaves.
He sends her another drink. No sooner had he finished sending it to her than she came back and said, "Want to see my ass?"
"Sure." he says. She does, then she leaves.
He decides to send her one last drink and when she comes back over, she says, "Want to smell some pussy?"
"Sure!" he says. So she breathes on him!

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Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don't do dick!

What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

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A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you'd be bumming out too.

Devil: Hell isn't what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink till we puke then we drink more.
Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don't have to worry about getting cancer because you're already dead anyways.
Man: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...

Devil: That's right man, because on Thursdays, it's stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don't have to worry about overdosing because you're already dead anyhow.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!

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Jeff invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Jeff's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Jeff's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jeff and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thought's Jeff volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to Jeff and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it," Jeff replied, "but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take a silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Jeff received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Mike and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the silver gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

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A Guy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck, he thought, he really wanted a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?". The guy says at the gay waiter and says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike for the slogan 'Just do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies'!"
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why TIMEX?" Hid neighbor replied, "Because it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin."
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the gay waiter and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now, give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'!"

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The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100 bill in the plate please stand up.
"A gay man stood up and said, "I did." The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns.
" Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"

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Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive hard-on. Naturally the guys are fascinated so they watch some more.
One of the guys just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and screws him for six hours solid. When he's done the gorilla throws him back over the cage.
An ambulance is called and he's taken away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "OF COURSE I AM! He hasn't called, he hasn't
written."

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"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."--Lynn Lavner

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After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

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Two west Texas boys, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college at A&M to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered Bubba.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," Bubba responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, Bubba shouted,"AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"said the professor.
"You're right! Why, that's the most fascinating' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into thehallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya taking?" Cooter asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"
The man said, "Of course not!"
The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"

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