MainVideos and toys Large collection to pick from all major studios
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A
man owned a small farm in
"Well, there's my hired
hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and
board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus
free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a
day. He makes
"That's the guy I want to
talk to; the half-wit,"
The farmer says, "That
would be me."
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Father
O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington,
DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the U! S Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like
this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help
you?"
"And the best of the
day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying
dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to
take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering
himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was
always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on
the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied
"Aye,
that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted into the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I’d
like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your
secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied the politician,
"That he has a big mouth."
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A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let
me try to explain it. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you
the people. The Nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now think about that and see
if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is
in deep shit."
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There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC
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Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says
"I would like some Eggs Benedict."
Waitress says "Fine, and what will you have Gov. Bush?" Perusing the menu, George says "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie." Taken
aback, the waitress responds "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear......
"George, that's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Bill
Clinton was on his way to Japan for a speaking engagement
and was seated next to Jerry Falwell.
After the plane was airborne, a flight attendant came around for drink
orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda, which was mixed and placed
before him.
The attendant than asked the Reverend Mr. Falwell if he would care
for a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be
savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
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