A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she's in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

The boy replied, "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"

For his birthday, Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f------ bike!"

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his son's prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you doing there Nancy"? "My goldfish died" , replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him". The neighbor was very concerned.

A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, she ain't here neither. She went to town with paw."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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One day the teacher brought a bag full of fruit to class. "Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about."
"Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it’s a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay.. I’ve got it it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That’s disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!

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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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Little Johnny comes home all excited and tells his mother, "Mom, guess what? In gym class today, I got laid for the first time!"
Little Johnny's mother got furious and tells him to go to his room and wait there until his father gets home.
When the father gets home, the mother tells him, "You wouldn't believe what Johnny told me today. Go have a talk with him."
So the father goes into little Johnny's room and asks him, "Son, what did you say to your mother that made her so upset?"
"Gosh," the kid says, "I just told her I got laid for the first time today."
The father tries to conceal his pride from the eleven-year-old and tells his son, "This is a little secret we should keep just between us men, okay?"
"You mean it's alright then?" asks Johnny.
"No, I didn't say that. Just don't tell your mother," the father replies.
The next day, the boy comes home, doesn't say a word to his mother, and goes straight into his room. When the father gets home, the mother asks him to talk to the son because she senses that something is wrong.
The dad goes into Johnny's room and asks him, "What's wrong son?
Your mother's concerned. Did you get laid again today?"
"Are you crazy?" the boy says. "My ass still hurts from yesterday!!"

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A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen the little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

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Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination, the Dr. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast.
"Mom!" Johnny yelled. "The Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom. "The other 10 are for your father."

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Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked,
"Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...." Her trial starts next month.

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

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On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the... 'There's no Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

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Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily the babies were okay. But the surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. The woman gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened . . . you were urinating and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

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Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won't work!" His mom says, "Why not???" To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy scheduled to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

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