Main

For toys, bondage, or lingerie try HERE
it only seems kinky the first time

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting  by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United  Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another  has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl is riding her new bicycle along the sidewalk in her neighborhood.
A horseback policeman stops her and says "Why, that's a nice bicycle you've got there. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes," the little girl answers proudly.
The policeman 'writes her out a ticket' and tells her, "Next year, tell Santa to put reflectors on your new bicycle."
The girl puts the paper in her pocket and scowls up at him. "That's a pretty horse. Did Santa bring it to you?" she asks sweetly.
The cop chuckles and answers, "Well, yes, he did. Isn't he a beauty?"
The girl hands the ticket back to him and says, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he is in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name. 

"Fred," he replies. 

"Fred what?" the officer asks. 

"Just Fred," the man responds. 

When the officer presses him for the last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" 
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." 

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A cop is patrolling at night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a  young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this  surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes, officer?"  "What are you doing? "  "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir ..."  Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And  her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover  sweater."  Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night ... in a lovers' lane . And nothing obscene is happening!  "What's your age, young man?"  "I'm 25, sir..."  "And her ... what's her age?"  The young man looks at his watch and replies,                                                                          "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and It could be dangerous."
"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." 
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" 
"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" 
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs." 
"That's admirable," said the judge. 
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy. 
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" 
"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your asshole before you go to prison...........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15mph over the limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he  pulled me over walked up to the car and asked me, What's the hurry?''
I replied I'm late for work.
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO ?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until  it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..........

Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on that cop's face: PRICELESS

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES --$50.00."
 A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
 Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
 One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
 "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion."
 So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
 The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
 Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked; "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
And now someone's suin' them fast food resaurants for makin' 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MORON#1
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORON #2
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORON #3
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORON #4
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORON #5
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORON #6
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck! Scared, they left the scene and drove home......with the chain still attached to the machine.......with their bumper still attached to the chain...... WITH their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#7 and 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing 'left but lips and a briefcase..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?"
St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder:
"How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer:
"Name them."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
 A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
 Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
 As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
 "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 "No," the woman replies. ......."Divorce Attorney.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your Honor.
 What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad? Senator.
 How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
 Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
 Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
 What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

 Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

 "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

 The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

 "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?"

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts . . . it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "You're not from around here. I know all the men locally who can afford me. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who live there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney.  She asked me to give you three thousand dollars."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE STELLA AWARDS.  Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on her crotch. The following are candidates for the Award:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

 3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half  million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE, successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for he first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

 8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines  with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though!!)