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An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and ask "would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and ask "are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye. Then lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked "are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?" Drying his eyes he said, "the drought done got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! ......AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go......what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now was somewhere around $60.00)

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose..don't really think she will care...."

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I am passing this on to you as it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article I have finally found inner peace.

The article read:

"The way to find inner peace is to finish all the things you have started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, the Kahlua, the Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Xanax, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

Is this your husband? He nervously asks.

No, silly. She replies, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend, then? He continues.

No, not at all. She says, nibbling away at his ear.

Is it your dad or your brother? He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

No, no, no!!! She answers.

Well, who in the hell is he, then? He demands.

That's me before the surgery

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An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.
He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?" she asked.
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree".

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I Hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it.!!! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now....

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A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.

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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma.
But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
RETURNED UNOPENED"

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The great game of BRIDGE misunderstood

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.

They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." "Another man said "I've got strength but no length." "Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about her protecting her honor, and two other ladies said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine." Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say, "Well I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber."

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A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With pain in his voice Sam replied,. . . .... . . "The balcony."

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Bill is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Bill sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Bill decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bill remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

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Subject: 19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom Mark

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

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Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we have the wrong department working on aliens.

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The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. Oscar declares, "Fer sure, dat Ole shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't vake him. I vatched him all night."

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Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a
little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..." .

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

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In summer of 1940 the young ice man drove his pick-up truck up and down the streets looking at the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors of the residents who had ice boxes. The cards usually had 3 settings; 12 1/2 lbs, 25 lbs and 50 lbs...... It was a poor time and two old sisters lived alone and sometimes would show their card for 12 1/2 lbs.....The young man knew they never paid their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken pieces off his truck and tried to pack their small wooden ice box....
One day, after he had packed their box one of the sisters stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to the young man. She seemed very shy and embarrassed, saying, "young man my sister and I know you have helped us and knowing we could not pay. We have read in books that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Since we have no money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself".
The young feller tried to convince her that it was not necessary but after she insisted he finally said, "okay" and they proceeded.
After he dressed he took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister.
She looked at the bill for only a second and blurted, "Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we intend paying for it the same way"!

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

"But how 'bout my friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

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A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, so I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up." Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to he farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."

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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the Vet to see if he can help. The Vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks that maybe the ! ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him, and the woman sleeps soundly.
The man wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

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A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to the B'nai B'rith?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the
Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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Three buddies decided to take their women on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time.
After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my woman flings her arms and hollers, ’7 come 11’ all night, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My woman played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ’Hit me light’ or ’hit me hard!’ and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore penis and an ass full of quarters."

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A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her shorts, pink shorts. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as he gets up to come sit next to her. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I’m a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you’ll ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied

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An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wife checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left:- phone a friend. If you get it right, this question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol, (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play for one million. I will agree with Carol and go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo,..... and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're eating in one of New York's finest restaurants, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo bird that does not build its own nest?"
"That's easy, silly..., everybody knows they live in clocks."

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We were up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
"He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'"
"I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

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A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.
" The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?!"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I beg you..."
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says mom can come down and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

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One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.

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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots the beautiful woman walking in on the arm of some nasty schlep. He asks the bartender about it and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she's there again, only this time alone. The guy works up his nerve and approached her.
"Is is true you're a prostitute?"
"Why sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" she replies.
The guy responds, "well, I don't know. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front window, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls over it for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable evening. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, between buildings so he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Oh, c'mon. You can't mean that!" She nods her head.
"You bet. Had I been a woman, I'd own that island!"

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A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief! Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!" She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!

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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

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When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

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Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they've setup their tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

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A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, would you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Would you really use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need anything I can get just to stay alive."
"Would you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS!!?? I haven't played golf for 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to bring you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doin' that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf!"

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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that the skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover that she still could no do it. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give her a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body? I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we was friends."

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Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt.
"If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said,
"No shit."

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One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. He began to ask his superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey, Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame", said Batman as he waved to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over the city, when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down, "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging Bachelor, who's the best babe in Comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows Wonderwoman is far and away the best in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," said Superman, "but I didn't realize that she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman laying naked in the middle of the field with her legs up in the air. Superman was tempted! "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can be in and out of there before she ever knew I was there."
So with a blurr and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that!?
"I don't know", said the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

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Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Homossassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, when Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. "
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well.... what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says... go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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A fellow came to a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was no one in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

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Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Laden," a heavily accented voice said, "this is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
After a moment's calculation, Paddy said, "Right now, there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and we decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen Guinevere's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.
Moral of the story: ................Pay your bills.

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized! as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

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A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has broken down," said the traveler, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared,
"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor

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