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*     Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

*     A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

*     Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

*     A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

*     Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

*     I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

*     Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

*     A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

*     Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

*     Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

*     Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

*     Banning the bra was a big flop.

*     Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

*     Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

*     A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

*     Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

*     A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

*     Without geometry, life is pointless.

*     When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

*     Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

*     Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

*     A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

*     Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

*     When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

*     A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

*     What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

*     A backward poet writes inverse.

*     In democracy, your vote counts.  In feudalism, your count votes.

*     A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

*     If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

*     With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

*     Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A Flat Minor.

*     When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

*     The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

*     A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

*     You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

*     Local Area Network in Australia the LAN down under.

*     He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*     Every calendar's days are numbered.

*     A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

*     A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

*     He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

*     A plateau is a high form of flattery.

*     The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

*     Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

*     Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

*     When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

*     Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

*     Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

*     Acupuncture is a jab well done.

*     Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

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(On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD.
(On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

LIFE IS SHORT... MAKE FUN OF IT.

I'M NOT 60. I'M $59.95 PLUS TAX.

I NEED SOMEBODY BAD!! ARE YOU BAD?

PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

IT'S MY DOG'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

I GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied," I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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 Restroom signs 

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men 

Women's restroom 
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE 

Beauty is only a light switch away. 

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC 

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. 

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC 

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?" 

Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 

The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. 

Men's Room 
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC 

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. 
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ 

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ 

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED! 

Women's restroom 
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT 

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 

Revolution Books 
New York, New York. 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! 

Men's restroom 
House of Representatives, Washington, DC 

Express Lane: Five beers or less 

Sign over one of the urinals 
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ 

You're too good for him. 

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom 
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA. 

No wonder you always go home alone. 

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, 
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA 


A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 

Women's restroom 
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX 

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Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites 
 
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog 

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog 

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free 

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile.. better  be reward. 

COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. 

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby 

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. 

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete se t of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married  last month. Wife knows everything. 

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Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? 


A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every  once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears  to your eyes.

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A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important, because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it, that at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity!

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m....it could be a right number.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life, is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs!!

You know you're old, when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose, and realize you aren't wearing any.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap!

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Subject: Brain Teasers

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A: A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

A: They both make you wait an hour for a five minute ride.

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

A: It's not hard.

A: The blonde -- she's eighteen.

A: Because it might lead to dancing.

A: A woman will not take a 3.50 inch floppy.

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

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 An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked  man standing in a clearing.

 He looks the man up and down and says "How the hell do you feed yourself with that?"

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The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him.  At least I think that's what he said.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
**********
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball all wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there fast.
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Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
**********
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midgets

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25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, exercise regularly, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when the narrow waist and the broad mind change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is what you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,  but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of  immigration.

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THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
 
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(DARN, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this.. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"

       The little boy replied, "Beer and pussy!"

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What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
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How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
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How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
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If Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of cage, along with a recipe.
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What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
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What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

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Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
....DAM!

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
....POLAROIDS

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
.... A STICK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
....NACHO CHEESE.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
.... UNIQUE UP ON IT.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
.... TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
.... THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
.... YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
.... SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
.... QUATTRO SINKO.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
....SPOILED MILK.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
....FROSTBITE.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
.... A NERVOUS WRECK.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
....ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
.... BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
..... BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HECK OUT OF THEIR DOG.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
....SANKA.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
....THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.

WHY DID PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
.... BECAUSE THEY WORE THEIR BELT BUCKLES ON THEIR HATS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
.... A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN!
.... A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DAMN! WHACK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
....SKEET.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
....AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
....SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER

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Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

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What Hallmark Doesn't Print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totaled your car and can't remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

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THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS I'VE NEVER SEEN~~~

 1) Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.

 2) If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

 3) Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

 4) Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 6) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

 7) Hang up and drive.

 8) Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

 9) Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

 10) If God hadn't meant for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat!"

 11) Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

 12) Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

 13) The proctologist called...... they found your head.

 14) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

 15) Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."

 16) Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

 17) Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

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David Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" 
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a damn box all day long. 
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you. 
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. 
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese! 
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right. 
4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. 
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds. 
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you. 
...... And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle: 
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. 

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Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
 ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

 Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
 --- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

 No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
 ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

 Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
 ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

 A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
 ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

 No wonder you always go home alone.
 ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

 Beauty is only a light switch away.
 --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
 ---The Irish Times, Washington, DC

 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

 If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
 --- Revolution Books, New York, New York

 Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
 ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

 Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
 ---The Janitor

 What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
 ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

 I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think; well, that's not going to happen.

 If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is----it's you.

 I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

 In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

 Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

 You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here illegally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

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Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning: one brilliant flash and it's gone.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry a hundred dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Children - You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for Word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."   He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,  I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
   He couldn't get back in.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
   A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
   The woman says, "I'll miss you,"
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
   "It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
  Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
   "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
   Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
   A: A rumor
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  He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
   She said - Well, you succeeded.
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   He said - Two inches more and I would be king
   She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen
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   On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
   Written just below it "I do not"
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
   She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart

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The following questions and answers were collated from last year's
SAT   tests given in Springdale, Arkansas to 16 year old students!

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed ?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet ?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans ?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections ?
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

     Q: What are steroids ?
     A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

     Q: What happens to your body as you age ?
     A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour ?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen.)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

    Q: What is the Fibula ?
     A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport

    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

   Q: What is a turbine?
   A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

   Q: What is a Hindu?
   A: It lays eggs

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SOMETHING TO OFFEND DANG NEAR EVERYONE

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and BUTTheads.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
To get some air to his brain.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
From the snoring.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

Mom's have Mother's Day,
father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

You know how they found Bin Laden? They started putting Viagra in the Air Drop Ration meals, And the prick just stood right up!!

 Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bedroom, and an Ass to pay for it all.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".

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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals - He just thinks they need more supervision.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it be that- "I do" is the longest sentence?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.

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These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

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Q. Why do so many men use dial soap ?
A. Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness...

Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None of your fucking business!

"Inconvience Hotline...can you hold please..."

A young girl sat on Santa's knee.
He asked her, "What would you like for Christmas then, my sweet little child?"
"Some hairs on my pee pee place," she replied.
"Do you mind if they are white ones?" asked the kindly Santa.

My granddaddy told me there were two kinds of people:
1) Those who jack off...
2) And those who LIE.

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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
It's the one with the little sticker that says I DA HO.

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