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it only seems kinky the first time
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It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Johnny. As
a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as
30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right
up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and
told him, "That's because you're from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it
half way through without much trouble. Some made it to "S" or "T," but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the
end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad knowingly explained to
him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Phys Ed, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noticed that compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly "endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, the other boys all have little tiny ones, but
mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's
because you're 18."
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Hold on to your Texas quarters. They may become collector's
items.
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas
quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press
conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this
agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said
Shackelford. The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas
A&M student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
"God Bless Texas"
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Leroy is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics
homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. DICTATE - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. CATACOMB - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man,
somebody get that catacomb.
4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. RECTUM - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol' me if I miss
disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. PENIS - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. ISRAEL - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it
look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
9. UNDERMINE - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
undermine.
10. ACOUSTIC - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me
to the poolhall.
11. IRAQ - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. STAIN - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan
on stain for dinner?"
13. FORTIFY - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say
"fortify".
14. INCOME - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
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An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon
and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee
on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled
over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot
tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over
there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,
how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress
nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,
and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled,
"Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
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Bubba
and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on
the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for
a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl
replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
“How
about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to
paper."
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There
was a Kentucky phone
company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the
boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two northern
guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each
team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that
installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the northern
guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said
that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrel, the redneck guys came back and they
were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys
install?"
Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Darrel and me, we got
three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two northern guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left
stickin' out of the ground
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1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.
19. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
22. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.
23. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
24. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty
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A man turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Do you want to hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, and I’m a redneck. You see the guy on the other side of you? That’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of
solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the guy next to him? He’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want
to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, I’d hate to have to explain it three times."
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Due
to the popularity of the Survivor shows,
Arkansas is planning to do its own, entitled
"Survivor-Arkansas Style."
The contestants will start in Conway, travel up to Bee Branch and on to Marshall
and Harrison. Then they will head over to Mt. Home and down to Batesville and
Newport. From there they will proceed on down to LA. ( lower Arkansas for those
of you who don't know what that means). Then back around through Hope, Hot
Springs, and all the way up to Russellville and back over to Conway.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Yankee license plates and a large bumper
sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your
health. The Arkansas Razorbacks suck. Hillary in 2004. Deer hunting is murder ,
and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Conway alive, wins. Good luck to all
contestants!
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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the
front desk and say "I got a leak in my sink," and the person at the
front desk says, "Go ahead."
******
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the
driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying sack.
When they meet, one says, "Whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some
chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya
guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is
on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get
there?" "Shoot, ain't you fellers still got them big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because
they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she
would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the
operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba
said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
there?"
******
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida
have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
*********
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REDNECKS' 25 QUESTION SEX TEST
1.) A menstrual cycle
has three wheels.
[ True ]
or [False ]
2.) Asphalt describes
rectal problems.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an
extinct bird.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical
term used to describe a Heart Attack.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a
type of flower.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part
of a fiddle.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for
sailors.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term
for yearly.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found
on an Octopus.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild
rabbit.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station
in Cincinnati.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to
catch large fish.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical
instrument.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on
Gunsmoke.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part
of a parachute.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large
apartment complex.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who
accompanies a church choir.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing
in geometry.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of
sweet pickle.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when
Japanese people vote.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person
from the Middle East.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land
of fast growing grass.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the
business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of
non-Jewish origin.
[ True ]
or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word
for "twelve."
[ True ]
or [ False ]
If you answered "True" to 50% or more of the above, you're a RedNeck
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In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be at lantern
and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put
that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You
reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his
eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now
what?"
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A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.' " Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds and says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1993 pick-up for sale.'"
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I
reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks
are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
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A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee
queer.
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya?
Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys,
he's one of us! "
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF...
Your mentor is named Bubba-Wan Kenobi
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get
the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the
window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty
good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
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