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A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.  As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.  After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patent.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine; but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life

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A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
 The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
 Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that!"

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After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was, greeted by George Washington who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How  dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

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A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because
he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next
five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Bill up ahead -
with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Bill replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out
together to help pass the time.

David, Bill, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and
Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're
stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

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A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

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Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not  live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Here is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
 There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
 The congregation sighs, and applauds.
 Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
 More sighs and applause.
 Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 74, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
 There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,  'Screw the rabbi."

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A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop." One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.
 It's now seven days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.
 Rev. O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, who is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first.
 "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
 Rev. Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.  In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers ... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle ... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO!  He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy  soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed.
He's in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!"

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A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?" When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.
            Dear Madam:
              The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit.. We offer a very friendly campground.

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Three ministers -- a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came  up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned. The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his  wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and  poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said St. Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and wham! Down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and
whispered nervously, "It isn't looking good, Fanny!"

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A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong?"

The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church."

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.  She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune.  So, she thought to herself,  "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."  She sat back down and thought about it.  She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
 She went back to the machine and put her nickel in.  Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."   The nun said to herself,  "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life! ."
 She sat down again. From no where, a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her.  The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.  Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
 Back to the machine.  She put her nickel in and another card came out.
It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."  Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!"   Well, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.  She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable!  I've got to try it  again."  She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.  It said,
"You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
"So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
 "Just a couple of minutes ago."

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

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Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. 
One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there." 
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn’t."

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A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said,
"that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

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Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" 
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to." 
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..." 
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" 
God said, "An arm and a leg..." 
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

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Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house ............... AND he left it there all night.

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A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."  The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.  They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.  The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

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A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub.  The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.
He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
 "Why not?" the pastor asked.
 "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most  private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
 "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
 So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
 After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
 However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
 "Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender.
 "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
 "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
 Now, how about that drink?"

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A San Francisco cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1 You have to promise you are single and

#2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy,
"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

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A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.  He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K.  Here are three Bibles.  Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later.
"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.  The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.  The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic.  You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week.  Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo f-f-fucking read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

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A mother and son are at the beach. A huge wave crashes down and sweeps her son away. He's gone. The mother, sobbing, screams to the sky, "Why would you do this to me?! I took care of Aunt Betty for 10 years with her advancing dementia! I've been to services every Saturday for my entire life! I am a terrific mother! I've never used your name in vain!

A voice comes down from the heavens, "All right, already!" A huge wave sweeps over the beach, and she finds her son, standing where she last saw him. Incredulously, she yells back to the sky, "He had a hat!"

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I'm a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I'm the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys and 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said "I'm the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly, but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the very next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
-- all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
-- all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
-- half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant..... Has anybody seen my cock?"
-- all the nuns stood up.

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An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.

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 A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go is to say "Hallelujah!"; the way to make him stop is to say, "Amen!"
 The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
 "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
 "This is great!" said the man.
 With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains.
 Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
 "Stop" said the man.
 "Halt!" he cried.
 The donkey just kept on going.
 "Oh No! Bible! Church! Please Stop!" shouted the man.
 The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
 Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer.
 "Please Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before
I go off the edge of this mountain. In JESUS name, Amen."
 The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
 "Hallelujah!" shouted the man.

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While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted an audience with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed as stated in the scriptures."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under any circumstance no matter how good it may appear."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars - - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. "Please consider it." and he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

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A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

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 The angry preacher... The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he  had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so  bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a  beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach  chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome? "The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe? "The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world. "The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or herding the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!" On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urination while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"

"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."

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Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.

And then, all the other bells started to ring...

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Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied

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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

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In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. 
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. 
This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly lady in the rear. 
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 
"I don't have any." 
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" 
"Ninety-six." 
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world." 
The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived the Sons of Bitches!" 

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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends ""My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, ""My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Excellency'."
This third Catholic crone says, ""My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh, my God...."

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It's an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple.
They go into Nieman-Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it's the off season for overcoats, but he'll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size.
He tells his manager and the manager says, "Hell, sell them the blue coats. On a day like this, they won't be able to tell the difference." The clerk does.
The priests are walking again and looking at their new coats. The coats just don't seem to look right. They pass two nuns and one of the priests asks a nun to hold up the sleeve of her black habit so he can compare the color. She does.
As the nuns are walking away, one of them says to the other, "Isn't it nice to hear a priest speak Latin in this modern age. I wish I knew what he said."
The other nun asked her what it sounded like.
The first nun replies, "It sounded like he said, 'Nieman Marcus fuctus'."

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A man is driving down the highway and sees a sign:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

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A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."
"What!?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"
"I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address."
Next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about, some what warily.
"As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."
"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church!   Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"
"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.
The wife says,  "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something."   And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on sex in modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife,  "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest
sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."
"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times!"

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