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In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"
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A business owner in Bemidji, MN was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Bemidji State University and I need some help.
If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much
would you take off? The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything
but my earrings."
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Mary was waiting for her first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, and suddenly noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name that had been in her high school class some 40+ years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been her classmate!!
After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" she asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed.
He looked closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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This actually happened at Harvard University.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand correctly, you're saying there is as much glucose in
semen as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, and she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor replied, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were
standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
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These
are actual comments made on student's report cards by teachers
in the
reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with too much glue.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe that the sperm that
created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
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According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers...and then there are Teachers.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam." Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
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