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A man goes into a shop to buy a condom. The shop assistant explained
that the shop only sold condoms in packs, not singly. The man asked what size packs were available. The shop assistant replied, "Sir, we
have the German, Frenchman, and Englishman packs.
Because the Germans are very punctual and dependable, the German pack contains seven condoms; one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
The Frenchman's pack contains eight condoms; one for Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and because the French are so
passionate, two for Sunday.
"However, the Englishman's pack has twelve condoms."
At this the customer, being English, straightened his back, pulled in his tummy, and stuck out his chest, proud to be English.
"Yes," the shop assistant continued, "twelve; one for January, February, March..."
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the
counter if he could buy some condoms. She noticed his discomfort, and decided to
have some fun.
"What size do you need?" she asked.
"I'm not really sure," said the shy man.
The girl explained that condoms come in three sizes. "There are three holes
in the fence out back which we use for determining your true size. Go out back
and give it a try."
So, the man went out back and put his 'tool' into the first hole in the fence.
The young girl was on the other side of the fence, and she proceeded to give him
a handjob.
Then, when he put his 'tool' into the second hole, she gave him a blowjob.
Finally, when he put his 'tool' into the third hole, she turned around, removed
her panties, and he entered her from behind. When he was finished, the girl
appeared from the other side of the fence and asked, "So, what size do you
need?"
"I've decided not to buy any condoms, but I'll take eight feet of that
fence!
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A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She
says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound
test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter.
I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
In the meantime the woman passes gas.
At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way he could tell it
was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and
the catfish bait is $2.50
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This bashful moron was making progress with his neighbor girl and she said he had to use rubbers. So he went to the dept store and asked for some in the shoe dept. They smirked and told him to go to a drugstore and ask for them. So, really shy now, he went in and looking at the floor said. I need some rubbers. Oh the little gal said, what size? Goossh I didn't know ya needed a size! Oh yes. Take it out and I will tell you what size you need. Aw Shucks, ah can't do dat. Finally he does and she yells to the back, Joe bring me a small!! Bout this time the little moron looks over to the ice cream counter and this girl is scooping ice cream for a cone and her breast shows some. The pecker starts hardening and she looks again and said. Joe! Make that a medium! About this time the scoopers strap breaks and he can see right down her blouse and see the nipples. The girl looks again and said. Oh for pete sake!! Joe!! Bring a MOP!!!!!!
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A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished
his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager
approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from , son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave
Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing
but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from
Canada!" The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did
she play for?"
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This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of large condoms to register 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was a teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance . When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and
that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help
the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much
more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him
with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by
saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a
permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could
give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When
she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we
can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month
living expenses".
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