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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw
a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must
be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine,
the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm
on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and
went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy
you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." "Well,
if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the barstool. "See," she said.
"I knew you'd laugh!" That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
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Bill and Hillary are at the Boston Red Sox's World Series Game at
Fenway; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind
them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the
president. Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the
bat boy And . . . the fans would love it!
So Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." He
gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking,
swearing, and screaming; and the crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and
high-fiving.
Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were
right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.
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On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit
the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey, was struggling frantically to
free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a
speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One
quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and
pulled the bleeding semiconscious, Packer Backer from the water. Then using long
clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there
were some bitter hatreds between Green Bay Packers & Vikings but now I have
seen with my own eyes that this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God
and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K.,
or do we need to get another one"?
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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked,
"To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! How old is he? "The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs
old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old
guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two
dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what
a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
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On the final hole of the golf course, Dave managed to hit his
ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn
the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast
the rest of your life.... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for
anything for the rest of your life!"
Then...POOF!...she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where
are you?"
Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."
Dave yelled back, "DON'T SWING FRED! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!"
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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years
sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he
thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a
small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop
dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it
been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and
says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks
him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to
him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely
fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long
has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh
good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?
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Chicago
Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."
..............................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
.................................................................
And, upon
hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win
the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."
...................................................................
Torrin
Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
.....................................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
......................................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (that is
beautiful)
.....................................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
....................................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
.....................................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my
name, I can still find my clothes."
......................................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight
Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is."
....................................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
..............................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
..............................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
.....................................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because
she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
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Two
boys are playing hockey on a pond on Boston Common when one is attacked
by
a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his
hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist,
luckily
breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A
reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview
the boy.
"Young
Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in
his
notebook.
"But
I'm not a Bruins fan," the little hero replied. "
Sorry,
since we are in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter
and
starts again.
"Red
Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack, ..." he continued writing
in
his notebook.
"I'm
not a Red Sox fan either!", the boy said.
"I
assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or Red Sox."
"So
what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm
a Yankees fan!", the child beamed.
The
reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little
Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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A
guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first
time. Afterwards,
he asked her how she liked the game. "Oh,
I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't
understand
why they
were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What
on earth do you mean???
"Well,
I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then,
for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was:
"Get
the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
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A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankee fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Yankee fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan out crying like a little girl.
The Red Sox fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal baseball fans in all the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Red Sox fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Yankee fan to my back."
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
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The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
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An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball
game.
The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run", "Run".
The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN".
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!"
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and,
explained he has to walk he has 4 balls.
-
The Irishman stood up, took a long breath and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"
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A guy enters the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, and sits down next to a little old lady. The little old lady keeps looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he says, "It's golf balls." The little old lady continues to look at him thoughtfully and finally asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
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