----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all.... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you .. is that "British Hospitality ?"

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

( I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. Fine, my name is Snow," the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it," the black man says.

The lady replied, "It is my husband that won't believe me when
I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.

She noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's Okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, "Haircuts - 50 cents" inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures- 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides
What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."
The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering but goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! What is the matter?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed, but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF,etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:
"FATASS."

I feel safer already.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honored guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the "cojones". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today." He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada. The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------