--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Army Ranger shipped to Afghanistan. While there he got a letter from his girlfriend. She write that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, that she wanted to break up and that she wanted the pictures of herself back.
So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies, collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find, then mailed about 25 pictures with a note:
I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STSs in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I’m so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned lover came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that’s tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her lover came into the room he said ’Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you’re in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the lover tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the lover had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name---they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it." she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ring-g-g-g)))))))))) "Hello?", the little girl says.
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy,"... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool..... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried, though, about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So, King Arthur went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard told the king to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory. The good wizard showed the king his latest invention. It was a chastity belt -- except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m' lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. Then, he inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately upon his return, he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But, Sir Galahad was speechless...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were spread wide and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with his wife at 2 pm sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a village in South Africa there was a young man who was what some people call a Casanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.
Well, finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her.
"Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally, he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-of-a-bitch, you bastard, you good for nothing!!" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing. Why are you mad at me?" our Tiger asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well, he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho, he is my best friend. I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one." Our Tiger is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary. Mary is now angrier and begins to punch him over and over. "You stupid man, you dumb ass," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. Went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while in route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!" The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------